My Bug

Things in the Clark home are actually going pretty well these days - I think we have found our stride and life just keeps marching on.

It's strange how this little boy feels more a part of me now than when I was pregnant - he is always on my mind (which is good and bad) and always with me. I realize he was always with me while I was pregnant, but for some reason a baby carrier seems a little more obtrusive than a giant belly. It's also very different caring for a baby as opposed to a pregnant me - and I much prefer the baby over the pregnancy.

In these 2 short months of being a mom, I have found many of the things I heard before having a baby are based in a whole lot of truth. The most poignant of them all is the way a mom feels about her baby.

And for that, there are no words adequate.

Late last night after Mason's last feeding of the day, he was quietly sleeping on my chest before taking him into his crib. I sat there feeling the rise of his chest, the warmth of his breath on my skin, and his body relaxing into sleep. I was overcome with the love I have for this sweet baby. I wish I could just study every inch of his body, every facial expression, and remember it forever. 

My heart swelled and kind of broke as I thought that these days of him being my baby and sleeping soundly in my arms are numbered. One day he will not be so tiny and just the thought of that brought a lump to my throat. I just wanted to freeze that moment forever - that he would be my tiny little baby boy and I his mom and all he thinks he needs. 

Mason will always be my first baby, and with that I think comes a special place in a mom's heart. I don't think there will be any experience quite like being a mom the first time and the quiet moments with just this one little person to focus on. 

It was a moment of extreme love wrapped up with such sadness. I whispered in his ear how much I loved him and how happy I was that he came to me. Tears filled my eyes as I soaked up this quite moment with my baby and realized that he would never quite know how much I love him.

I laid him down in his crib and watched him and marveled that this little spirit was a part of me and my life. I was so grateful for this quite moment and the reminder it was to live in the moment and be grateful for the now.

Again, there are no adequate words for the love I have for him, so you'll just have to take my word for it. 

Oh how I love My Bug.