I'm Just Me

With the influx of blogs, facebook, twitter, People, the Internet, etc. we are constantly inundated with details, facts, photos, etc. of people’s lives. Some we know, some we don’t know, some we want to know, other’s we just like to gawk at, but no matter who they are, I find myself comparing myself. Whether it be comments of jealously “I wish I was that girl.” “I hope my kids are cute like that.” “Could I pull that off?” and so on, and if we are being honest I sometimes have such comments as “Is she really doing that?” “I hope I don’t look like that.” “Wow” or “Really?” accompanied by a roll of my eyes. Yes people, I judge. But who doesn’t?

During my hiatus from blogging and Facebook, I found it incredibly refreshing to not constantly be looking for ways to impress others with funny witty posts or status updates, pictures of the great things I am doing, and constantly worrying about what people think of me. As much as I judge others, I’m sure I am in the line of fire as well. I’m ok with that, but it is something I don’t want to overrule me and become the reason I do things.

As I look, watch, see other’s who seem to have it all together I realize that they are either:
     a) really good and putting up a front
     b) spend all of their time trying to appear that way
     c) are probably just as insecure about things and just trying to be who people want them to be.
I’m sure I’m guilty of one of these, but I also think it helps me to realize that I’m probably being jealous of a charade. Not to discount anyone being cute, wonderful, or fabulous, but life isn’t perfect for anyone and I think it helps to realize that as I sit and judge.

Self-esteem is always something I have struggled with. Growing up pudgy and knowing it was always a challenge, especially entering middle school and high school when it seems your soul acceptance into society is having a boy like you, and I had none of that. I took it hard when every boy-choice dance came up and I was never, not once asked (I always had really clever ways to answer if that ever did happen though). It was hard having cute friends with boys that like them and they themselves were the girls that “had it all together.” Even going into college I thought things would be different. Boys in college are mature and see more than looks, right? Not really. Boys weren’t the only things that I felt validated you. Wearing the cutest clothes or having the “it” things were also your ticket to being accepted.

Luckily I feel I have come a long ways from those thoughts. It’s not like it happened over night and it’s not that those feelings don’t come creeping in (especially on the bad hair, fat, nothing fits right days). But it’s a process that started several years back that helped me to overcome my own view of myself that was holding me back. It probably came with losing weight, and while that didn’t define me, I realized that no matter what size I was, I am still the same person, and being the me I want to be is what really matters. I discovered that being happy with myself was way more gratifying that seeking approval from others.

Now, as I look at blogs, facebook, etc and think “why can’t I just be like that?” I’ll think to myself that I’m happy with being me. I have always enjoyed having a blog to not only document my life, but also a forum for the true and honest realities of life (good and bad). I don’t want to skew the appearance of my life so that other’s will approve or want to be me. While it is always nice to be in that position, I just want to worry about being me and not what everyone perceives of me.

I’m just Jill. I’m not perfect, I have a mountain of things to improve on, I don't always say the right/nicest/PR thing, I’m not always cute or stylish, my weight fluctuates, I don’t do fun things all the time, and that’s all ok with me. I have a wonderful loving husband, a house I love, and would be happy being sealed up in my house for the rest of my life with Cam. Pretty exciting huh? I don’t need the world to love me, I just need to love me.

So you are just getting me, in all my unabashed glory – maybe some day’s I’ll surprise you by being cute and fun and skinnier again and having it all together, but if or when those days come, that will just be me.

So now that I have put this out there, you are all free to call me on it if I start to portray a charade.